Month two: The more things change, the more things change

Dear Susana,

You are two weeks away from being three months old and I am just now putting up your two-month newsletter. And, that’s a pretty good summary of how your second month of life has gone. From here on out, I think your dad and I will be forever playing catch-up.

For starters, we thought we had you settled in to a regular nap schedule–long morning, short afternoon. And, I was thinking, ‘Hey, this stay-at-home mom thing is going to be great! Play with the baby, do a little tidying up surfing the ‘net while she naps, throw together a snazzy dinner and have time to cuddle the young one a bit before bed.

Then, wham, bam! As soon as that appeared, it was over. Like a brief, intense love affair that goes horribly awry, somewhere around week 10, you were all, “Naps? I don’t take no stinkin’ naps!”

From the time you got up (between 5 and 6 a.m.—*after* your two overnight meals, I might add), you’ve been rarin’ to go, straight through lunch, dinner and beyond. One night, we didn’t get you to sleep until almost 11.

Thus began the intricate methods of courtship—stalking even—that we have started to employ to get you down for some zzzzz’s. Swaddling, walking, bouncing, nursing, you name it, we’re doing it.

You have been putting all that awake time to good use, however. This month, you tentatively began to smile, very often when looking at your dad. Instead of just crying to communicate, you’ve gained an impressive new vocabulary of gurgles, coos, sighs and, sometimes, indignant yawps to further clarify what it is you need.

You also uncurled those hands and began making these interesting contemplative gestures. Once, I watched as, while nursing, you rhythmically tapped your first two right fingers against your chest as if deep in thought. You can now lift up your head for brief moments of time and you enjoy pushing up with all your might with your legs when I am holding you against my shoulder, then holding your head up and gazing around this new world you’ve discovered.

As much as you are changing every day, I’ve also been surprised at how much parenthood has changed me. And, how much I still need to change.

People who know me well can tell you that I don’t deal well with the unexpected. I like to have a plan. And, when things don’t go according to that plan, my first response is usually frustration sometimes rapidly followed by a freak out–much grumbling, some swearing, exasperated sighing and the occasional panicked tear or two. This is then usually (but not always) followed by a quick alteration of plan in order to cope.

I can remember the exact moment this month when I realized that this habit of mine was not going to cut it. We were on our way to take you to get your two-month baby shots at Yong Dong Severance Hospital in Gangnam. (Your pediatrician, Dr. Park Min Soo, totally rocks, by the way. I’ll write more about him later.)

For reasons too detailed to go into here, I decided not to drive this time, but to take the subway to Dogok Station and catch the shuttle bus the hospital operates. Upon leaving the designated exit, however, I couldn’t find the shuttle stop. I looked and looked as the time for your scheduled appointment came and went (the subway route having taken longer than I planned) and I started to get more and more uncomfortable as the day’s “plan” jumped the tracks.

I was started my usual exasperated talking to myself under my breath when I happened to look down at you, nestled against me in your little sling. You had stopped looking about excitedly and your eyes were focused intently on me, your little face looking surprised and just beginning to register the first signs of worry.

And, I thought, ‘Ooops. Not cool. Time to buck up and be the Mommy. Cope first. Freak out never.’ (Or, at least later and out of sight.)

I realized, for the first time, the power I have to affect how you see and experience the world and whether you feel happy and secure in it—or worried and afraid. Will the world be a positive place that you happily explore? Or, will it be a place full of frustrating obstacles to be dreaded before being overcome? This, I think, will largely be determined by how you see your father and I behave.

When I was little, I always felt secure. I was sure my Mommy (and my Daddy) knew what going on at all times. I inhabited a world that I liked and thought was fun and was eager to explore every day. I guess I always thought there was a plan, and things were almost always on schedule. My mom and dad moved us from different houses and apartments in different states and different countries, and my kid self never gave it much thought. Whether it was a new Sunday School class in Oklahoma, a playground in Germany or a new house in Chattanooga, I felt at home. When the unexpected happened, my parents dealt like this was something they’d seen coming miles away.

I want you to feel that secure, too. I plan on you being much, much older before you figure out that I’m sometimes just making things up as I go along–still playing catch-up, reconfiguring plans on the fly.